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Closing in on the 3rd Decade

Just for tonight, I'll think aloud in my blog, so don't expect too much organization in my thoughts. Need to bleed out the tension that's building inside me. So I'm at the last few hours of my 20s. Yep, I turn 30 tomorrow. Although I can logically think of it as just another day that should be different from any other day, the huge cultural emphasis that is put on this particular year is actually giving me a lot more stress than I thought it would. It's kind of funny; I'm trying to find out why I'm jittery, but can find no reason other than the number.

Perhaps there I'm not where I thought I would be at this age, I think. But to be honest, I'm not really the goal setting type, so I had no vision or expectation of where I would be at 30, and thus have nothing to compare to. I feel like I'm reasonably well off: I have a job in this poor economy, have my own townhouse, saving extra money and putting it aside into investments. I'm thinking of getting a new car soon. I've got most things I would want to get. But I still feel nervous, and a bit depressed. I tell myself to think about it from a positive perspective, to live forward and strong with 30 years of life experience to back me up. However, I just can't seem to shake that dreaded feeling in my gut.

Curiously, I wonder if it just has to do with the fact that I'm aging. That this is my physical prime (if it has not already passed). As a kid, I used to fear aging, death, and other weird uncontrollable things (like the sun going out, and it becoming the end of the world as a result, billions of years later). I've mostly come to accept things... but perhaps these fears are coming back again. Perhaps its time to remind myself that there's nothing that can be done about the inevitable, except to keep it in mind and use it as a motivator to live the kind of life I would have no regrets living.

I wonder where I thought I would be at this point of time.

You know what, fuck this emo shit. Fuck being 30, it's just a God damn number. I'm going to relax and just enjoy the rest of my night.

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